I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
