Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
