If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i've created a new STD.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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