Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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