i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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