Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
