This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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