So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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