i was born a porn star she said
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
