birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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