I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
