Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
