You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
