accomplished twins. life is a go
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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