i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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