I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
