I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
