I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
a search helicopter?!
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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