i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
