just tell him i said nine months
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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