hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
