I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
