while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
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You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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