my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
