I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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