omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
