You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
