dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
