This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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