how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
