I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Too much gin, very little bucket
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
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I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
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Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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