k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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