turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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