I didn't shave. On purpose
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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