the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
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Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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