just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I forget how to act sober
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