i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
