It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
