In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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