So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
