phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
