I met the friendliest cop last night
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
