Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
