Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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