apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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