I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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