So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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