im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
