apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
