i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
