oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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