we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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