my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
