i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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