OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
