I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
