There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
