I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
