Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
