so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
