the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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