matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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